Are you worried about a relationship you are in? The presence of more than one or two of these conditions compels us to re-evaluate our relationship.  If there are more than four, definite action needs to be taken.

  • Exclusivity; other people seem boring, you are spending time alone with each other rather than in groups+
  • Jealousy
  • Becoming very close, very quick.
  • Lack of peace, a sense that something is really wrong, a sense of impending doom, knowledge in your heart that this isn’t healthy
  • Mood extremes, euphoria to depression
  • Martyrdom, tormented by the other person’s troubles, not able to be in a good mood when the other person is in a bad mood, equating grief for the other person with love for the other person *
  • Obsessing; thinking about the other person takes up too much time every day, worrying about the other person, praying compulsively for the person but barely mentioning others in prayer *
  • The intense nature of the relationship makes the other person feel uncomfortable, or makes those around us feel uncomfortable
  • Defining the relationship repeatedly.  Most women just let the relationship be what it is, unfolding naturally+
  • Distressed every time the other person draws away a little, insecurity, manipulation, drama, not allowing for the natural ebb and flow of normal relationship
  • Sexual tension, excessive physical contact, sexual activity+
  • Overemphasis on intense conversation, and an absence of small talk
  • Trying to save the other person becomes the major project in life, a desire to be needed by the other person in order to keep them close*
  • Dramatic expressions of affection… gifts, cards, flattering words+
  • Financial over-involvement, sharing a checkbook, giving large amounts of money+
  • Taking on the interests and the characteristics of the other woman as my own interests or characteristics; enmeshment
  • Feeling trapped by an obligation to the other woman because of her problems*
  • Making her the center of happiness, unable to imagine life without her


*an element shared with co-dependence

+overlaps with typical heterosexual romance

I have observed all of these deviations from healthy relationship either in my own life or in the lives of others who have shared with me about their own emotionally dependent relationships.  I was initially made aware of them through two wonderful resources:  Lori Rentzel’s booklet, “Emotional Dependency” and Janelle Hallman’s The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction pp. 100-114

If you see your relationship reflected in too many of these signs, open your heart to the possibility that your way of relating is not the most healthy or rewarding. God has something better in mind for you.